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NYPD: Nightlife is the New Iraq

January 08, 2007

-Jeff Wilser

As you might have heard, over the weekend, the NYPD continued the new nightlife policy of "shock and awe."

They shut down Crobar, which begs the question, where will it end? Is this really accomplishing anything except smothering local businesses, pissing off thousands of clubbers, and turning 27th Street into a sea of blaring sirens?

If that's the goal of the NYPD, well, then Mission Accomplished.

Of course, Crobar is only the beginning. There is more work to be done. The many clubs along 27th Street pour alcohol late into the night, spread sin, increase the risk of violence. The NYPD, wisely, now recognizes this street as the axis of crime, or axis of evil, if you will.

In the spirit of shutting down clubs, Clubplanet recommends 5 additional steps for victory:

1) Ban liquor from being served after 10 pm. This will keep our streets sober and safe.

2) Send additional cops--as many as 20,000 more--directly into the clubs. These cops will assist the bouncers; they will work as advisors. We'll call this the new "surge" strategy.

3) Interrogate suspects. If, on a Friday night by the velvet rope, the NYPD spots someone that might have been drinking alcohol, or someone that looks like they might enjoy alcohol, the police should be given permission to search, interrogate, and imprison.

4) To streamline the judicial process, the NYPD should create "special prisons" for these nightlife detainees, prisons that fall outside the purview of the Constitution.

And finally, this last point is key:

5) At all times, insist that we are winning the war on nightlife violence. Even if senior police officers disagree, even if the public doesn't support it, and even if the nominal enemy--nightclubs--were only tangentially, obliquely, and in some cases not at all involved in the initial violence.

 

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